The picture above is of the top of my Christmas tree. This section’s lights just would not work no matter what we tried. In the past, I would have replaced the lights with new ones but that is impossible with ALS. We decided that my family had enough to worry about this year and so we left it dark. I then came up with the caution tape idea. It’s now a construction zone being managed by Clause Construction. It's dark and perhaps a bit sad but it will have light again. Besides, its foundation is well lit and decorated! This tree is an analogue to my Christmas this year. Just a bit broken.
This year, the only muscles in my body that work are in my neck and head. I drive my chair with my mouth and I now write with my eyes. Both are difficult and require much concentration to do. They cause me to focus my thoughts on my physical limitations which is very depressing. I can get lost in a dark and very sad place where all my thoughts are consumed by what my family now has and will soon lose. This is what I have been doing for several months now, particularly this Christmas season. I have been fixating on the broken parts this year! I have been doing the opposite of what I have been blogging about this whole time. It had become so bad that I had decided to stay away from Facebook, until after Christmas, to avoid all the fun that others were having. That is until a very good friend chewed my butt about that decision. "Don't miss this opportunity to enjoy this for you and your family!" Then she read me a quote, "Don't stand around waiting for rainbows when you can enjoy the rain!" Don't focus on the outcome when you are surrounded, at this very moment, by so many joyous events. I had been staring at the top of that tree and all I could see was darkness. The bottom wasn't even visible to me. Fortunately, my ghost of a Christmas past came by to change my point of view.
This year, the only muscles in my body that work are in my neck and head. I drive my chair with my mouth and I now write with my eyes. Both are difficult and require much concentration to do. They cause me to focus my thoughts on my physical limitations which is very depressing. I can get lost in a dark and very sad place where all my thoughts are consumed by what my family now has and will soon lose. This is what I have been doing for several months now, particularly this Christmas season. I have been fixating on the broken parts this year! I have been doing the opposite of what I have been blogging about this whole time. It had become so bad that I had decided to stay away from Facebook, until after Christmas, to avoid all the fun that others were having. That is until a very good friend chewed my butt about that decision. "Don't miss this opportunity to enjoy this for you and your family!" Then she read me a quote, "Don't stand around waiting for rainbows when you can enjoy the rain!" Don't focus on the outcome when you are surrounded, at this very moment, by so many joyous events. I had been staring at the top of that tree and all I could see was darkness. The bottom wasn't even visible to me. Fortunately, my ghost of a Christmas past came by to change my point of view.
Yesterday, I rolled over to our Christmas tree and took a long look at the bottom section. Yes, it's well lit up but the decorations are what brought my Christmas spirit back. The bottom of our tree is so beautiful and packed with beautiful memories. At that moment, I realized there isn't a single generic ornament on the tree. They all carry special meaning. There are ornaments that Dee and I brought into our marriage and a couple that commemorate it, one for each of my kids first Christmases and several that they have made. There are dozens of Santa's which I began collecting at the age of fifteen when my mom gave me my first one. It's Santa riding an old "Big Front Wheeler" bike. It is one of my two favorites, the other being my "Mountain Climber Santa" which is the first Santa I chose when Dee and I began dating. There's also three snowmen, one added each time we lost a parent. These and so many more memories adorn our tree.
Our broken Christmas tree is a three dimensional scrapbook of our lives in the form of unique ornaments that are packed away for all but one month a year. This tree represents not just memories of the past, it reminds and renews our love for each other and revives our spirits. The love has always been there for all to see, particularly since ALS joined our family, I had just lost sight of it. Yes, it is a broken time and may be our last Christmas but that rainbow is not important! It's all those beautiful memories that hang on it, with all their stories and meaning. Just like a storm with all its rain, they are plentiful and enrich us all. I had become the Grinch! Looking for and finding all the negative I could this season. But thanks to Cindy Lou Who, who made me see and feel the rain, my heart has grown three sizes this day!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Our broken Christmas tree is a three dimensional scrapbook of our lives in the form of unique ornaments that are packed away for all but one month a year. This tree represents not just memories of the past, it reminds and renews our love for each other and revives our spirits. The love has always been there for all to see, particularly since ALS joined our family, I had just lost sight of it. Yes, it is a broken time and may be our last Christmas but that rainbow is not important! It's all those beautiful memories that hang on it, with all their stories and meaning. Just like a storm with all its rain, they are plentiful and enrich us all. I had become the Grinch! Looking for and finding all the negative I could this season. But thanks to Cindy Lou Who, who made me see and feel the rain, my heart has grown three sizes this day!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!